Buoy Don’t Float

Here’s a somewhat bullshitted journal entry I did for IEOR 171. The prompt was basically ask yourself what motivates you, then ask why until you feel like you’ve gotten to the root. I didn’t spend much time on it and I don’t think I got anywhere by thinking about it, but I like some of the ideas. So here it is:

“What motivates me? It’s something I ask myself pretty often–many times when I don’t feel like waking up. I think I’m motivated by potential. I’m always wanting to learn something new or better myself in some way. Why? Growing up, I think I was led to believe–and I still do believe–that I have a lot of potential. That, mixed with being at a prime age of learning and making life choices has culminated in me waking up each day to try and reach my full potential. In many cases, you don’t want to be at a low level when you know you can improve. This applies to school; say, doing great in your classes by really trying. Lately, it has applied a lot to music, where I’m motivating myself to practice regularly in order to reach higher levels of expertise.

Again, why? I think I like potential because it is a self-interest. Much of life is challenging yourself so that you can better yourself in someway, and continually trying to reach your potential is, frankly, selfish. I like that. You can always count on yourself and a lot of life is just yourself, so there is no reason to not have selfish pursuits. I think it comforts me that I can never be lonely as long as I have myself.

Again, why? I think I’m a fairly depressing person when it comes to outlooks on life, almost pessimistic. As a result, I think my yearning for potential stems from the fear that I may miss out on my life. I could die at any moment, without getting the chance to fulfill my dreams and become the person I want to be. At the same time, I might miss my window of growth and not reach my full potential, even in old age. That thought depresses me because it is a life of regrets.

A big part of my outlook on life is hope. Hope that something great will come along. Not something you can predict or really want to know what it will be. It can be love, it can be a great career, it can be riches. For me, I think I’m always hoping for new and exciting experiences. It’s the comforting hope that comes knowing that you have so many opportunities ahead of you. Just being in the class and being exposed to new things has given me hope. For instance, Kathleen Blum and her adventurous climbs sounds invigorating and I hope that one day I can experience the thrill of a climb like she described.

In truth, I don’t feel like this assignment has cleared up much in my head in terms of motivation. In other words, I don’t feel like I know the root of what is motivating me.
However, I don’t think I want to know because it would make everything I do seem contrived. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I can use my yearning to reach full potential to motivate myself to reach goals. Naturally, full potential implies that I do things I do well, and improve when I don’t do it well enough. A lot of it has to do with comparing yourself to other people and letting yourself know that there is more potential and greater heights to reach. In bass guitar, I plan to listen to other great bassists so that I’m inspired to improve and show that I have the potential in me. I’m looking forward to doing the same to other aspects of my life, like love and school.”